14 September 2020

It’s been almost 6 weeks since that stupid fucking night that I found out about her. Six weeks. And I feel broken. I see you on your phone and i immediately think that must be some girl you’re talking to. We have only been married 9 months. We are newlyweds… and you’ve been having relationships with women over the internet for years. I know, you’re depressed. But you know it was wrong. You thought it was harmless… how wrong you were. I question us now, and that’s new. I used to think we were the best couple in the world, God-made for each other. And now i feel sorry for myself. Maybe you don’t understand because you’re not on this end of the problem. Maybe you think i should just “get over it”. Well, I cant. I actually wonder if this pain is worth sticking through. Yeah, I know marriage isnt supposed to be easy. But you werent supposed to break our marriage covenant and my heart. Now… I feel so stupid. I dont want to fight for us like I used to. I dont want to feel like such a fool again. I dont want to be fucking paranoid. I wanted a marriage that broke the cycle that my parents showed my, but I guess I played right into that. Crazy. I dont know what to do. I love you and that hurts me right now. My life changed on that day, and I cant go back to be the person I was before. I have to transform myself into someone who can live through this ache and distrust. How do I so this? I’m taking it one day at a time but I think about it all the freaking time. My chest feels like theres a hole where you should be.